The Beginning of Sasaki Haise
by purpleswans
Summary: A young ghoul wakes up in a CCG research facility with no memories and not even a name.


**Hey all! I've noticed that there are a few stories focusing on how Arima felt in the time just after Kaneki woke up without his memories, but almost none from Sasaki's point of view. I wanted to rectify that. Also, I feel like a lot of the fandom believes that either the CCG deliberately erased his memories (which I'm questioning as to whether or not the technology actually exists) or knew even before he woke up that he had lost his memories (to which I have to ask how.) This is my take on what happened.**

 **Now this isn't really finished yet. I've still got one more chapter I plan on doing, but I want to make sure I go slow and get everything I want for that part since it'll be focusing on Sasaki's relationship with Arima. I'll try to get it done relatively soon, but I make not promises.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Tokyo Ghoul.**

* * *

He was conscious, but no light reached his eyes. It was possible that he simply had his eyes closed, but he couldn't even feel if that was true or not. There was nothing but a void where his optical sensors should be. He could feel a rough cloth tied tightly around his head covering his eye sockets, but that was it.

He could feel thick straps around his wrists and ankles, biting into the skin. It was uncomfortable, especially with the rock-hard surface he was lying on. He tried to move around and get a little more comfortable, but the tightness of the straps made it impossible.

Somewhere to his right, a shocked gasp reached his ears.

"Sir! Come quick, it has woken up!" a male voice exclaimed. He didn't feel any recognition towards the voice.

"What?" another voice, almost inaudible, responded. It didn't sound familiar either. "That's impossible! It's a miracle it even survived, given its injuries. That's one of the reasons Special Class –" The new voice had grown increasing louder and clearer, and now it had the same volume as the first.

It, it, it. Where they referring to him?

The second voice spoke again, this time with a hint of fear. "Give it a sedative. We still need to operate to acquire the raw materials, and we can't have it struggling."

There was more movement, and he felt something prick the skin of his upper arm. We tried to speak, to let them know it hurt, to ask them where he was, why he was here, who he was. But his mouth couldn't move correctly.

Before long, the darkness faded again.

* * *

Pain. The second time he woke up, that was all he could comprehend. The pain of something cutting open his belly and playing with his organs. Uncaring hands felt along the membranes of his intestines, searching for something.

He opened his mouth intending to scream, but only releasing a whimper.

The hands stilled. "Did you forget to give it more sedatives again?" one gruff voice inquired.

"Well, it's not like we care if it feels pain anyway," another voice grumbled. "It's just a Ghoul."

"True, but it's procedure," yet another voice explained. "If it struggles to much we won't be able to complete the extraction before the incisions start to close up."

His entire body was shaking. The only thing that really registered with him was the pain, but the voices –They didn't have any sympathy in them. They didn't care about the pain. They didn't consider his suffering at all.

He tried to scream once again. He needed to tell them he was here, he was a person, he felt pain. All that escaped his mouth were whines.

There was another prick on his skin and everything faded again.

* * *

The next time he woke up, he could sense a little light. His left eye responded to the signals from his brain, but when he opened it everything was blurry. His right eye was still a void.

Something else had changed. He could feel a weight around his jaw and lower face wrapping around the back of his head. Since his hands were still bound to the surface he was lying on, he inspected the foreign element by moving his jaw, trying to contact more area with the skin around his mouth. He found that the object limited his movement in that area.

He heard someone walk into the room. "Oh, it's already awake. I guess we can start the feeding."

A specific scent reached his nostrils. It was so... enticing. He was suddenly aware of a dull ache in his stomach and heard a small growl from it. He was hungry, and the scent was of the most delicious meal. He tried moving towards the amazing smell, but was stopped by the restraints.

"Aw shit – It's a good thing we gave it the muzzle – We're going to need a full team to hold it down."

He still wanted to say the things he failed to say the first time he woke up. It was hard with his jaw restricted, but he found his mouth could at least form some parts of the words.

"I- It he-ur-ts," he attended to convey.

The other person in the room ignored him and started calling for others.

He tried again. "Whu – Where am a – I?"

"Shut up, Ghoul," was his only response.

He heard shuffling and movement, and soon hands were grabbing his limbs. Two for each arm and leg, as well as a weight on his chest making it hard to breathe and impossible to move. The blur in his eyesight changed colors slightly, but he couldn't begin to comprehend what he was seeing. He didn't struggle, but wondered why they were doing this.

"Wha—Why?" he managed to choke out as someone pulled a strap tight across his forehead.

"You got the tube?" a new voice asked, ignoring the one word question. "I don't like having the muzzle off longer than necessary, especially for SS class."

"I've got it," another voice replied, "and I've got the RC substitutes as well. We can start."

Yet another set of hands reached for his face, fingering the edges of his chin. The weight around his chin disappeared.

He tested his jaw and tried speaking again. "Why -."

As soon as his mouth opened he felt a large plastic tube crammed between his lips. It pushed to the back of his mouth and forced itself down his throat. The intrusion was not only uncomfortable, but made him want to gag. He began struggling against his restraints, which only made the hands on his limbs tighten painfully.

"Damn it, start pouring!"

"I'm doing it, I'm doing it."

His stomach began to fill and release him from the minor ache that had been there. He had no control over what was in there; for all he knew, it could be poison. He wanted to vomit it all up, but not only did his position not permit it, but he couldn't deny the relief that came with something akin to food.

Just when he was starting to get used to the feeling, the tube was removed. Not quickly enough, and yet far too soon. Before he could do much more, the weight was back on his jaw holding it in place.

Every person in the room was panting out of exertion. One of them spoke up, "You'd think these things would cooperate more. It's their feeding time, after all."

Unexpectedly, the young man who didn't know anything began to sob. "Who, who am I?" He whispered.

A strange silence fell over the room. "Well that was ... Unexpected."

* * *

A while later (it was impossible to determine how long because of the constant use of sedatives) he received a visitor.

"I hear that you don't have any memories," the visitor began.

The voice was firm, yet oddly enduring. Somehow he recognized it despite not knowing where he had heard it before. It made him feel inferior and enthralled.

His eyesight hadn't improved much, so there was nothing but a light-colored blur to accompany the voice. He did notice though, that unlike the darker blobs that at least partially framed each out-of-focus face he had seen up to now, this face was framed by a purer shade of white.

He nodded at the visitor's statement. "Yeah."

"Hey!" one of the gruff voices he'd come to recognize since he'd first woken up interjected. "Show some respect! That's Special Class Arima you're talking to, Ghoul!"

 _Arima, so that's his name_ the young Ghoul considered. "I'm sorry, Special Class Arima."

"It's alright," the visitor remarked. "Would you mind elaborating for me?"

"Uh, sure." the ghoul bit his lip and moved in his restraints. He was still strapped down to the table and had the muzzle, so he couldn't move much and his voice was muted. "The first thing I remember was waking up here. Or at least, I think it was here. I couldn't see anything and I was strapped down..." He wasn't quite sure he should go on, since everything that happened after that wasn't something he wanted to repeat. Also, this was the first time he had said so much. His mouth was working better now, but between the muzzle and the other people refusing to listen, he didn't want or need to put in the effort to make complete sentences.

"Hm—" Arima sounded like he was concerned about something. "Have you noticed anything that stirs up your memories?"

"Sir, your voice sounds familiar but I can't remember where I heard it before." He hesitated for a moment before asking, "Have we met before?"

The visitor paused for a few seconds. "You really can't remember anything?" He sounded almost worried.

"Sir, I can't even remember my own name."

Arima addressed one of the other people in the room. "Doctor, have there been any incidents?"

"It resisted a little when we force-fed it, but otherwise it hasn't put up much of a fight. A little surprising, considering..."

Arima interrupted. "Then why is he muzzled?"

"Well, considering the rating, we wanted to be extremely careful as it began to heal and the possibility of it trying to break out and attack our employees increased."

"At the moment, the decision is up to you, but considering how well-behaved he is I don't think the muzzle is necessary. You might want to consider limiting the amount of restraints, as a reward for good behavior." Arima began to walk away, leaving the other occupants of the room baffled.

 _He called me a he,_ the ghoul realized.

* * *

Like Arima suggested, the muzzle was removed soon and the ghoul was transferred to another bed with less restraints. His right wrist was handcuffed to the bed so he couldn't leave, but at least he could move and actually get out of bed if he wanted. He had considered standing up to test his legs, but decided he didn't want to take the chance he'd just fall down. Instead, he enjoyed his new freedom by testing the movement of his arms.

The doctors didn't seem interested in doing anything at the moment and just left him alone. That was fine – at least he didn't have to go through all the painful things he'd experienced when his memories began – but it was unsettling. For what purpose were they keeping him? Would they kill him if they decided he was useless? Where was he anyway? How did he get here?

Who was he?

He still didn't know anything, and that was frustrating.

* * *

After a few days Special Class Arima came to visit again. The ghoul had spent that time in pure boredom. The novelty of getting to move quickly wore off, and there was nothing to do but sleep, heal, and wonder about all the things he didn't know. It is really frustrating waiting for something to happen, especially when most of the things you expect aren't very good.

"I'm going to be honest with you," Arima began. "You don't have that many options. You're a ghoul, it's usually the CCG's policy to exterminate your kind on sight."

"Um, CCG?" the ghoul asked. "What's...?"

"The Commission of Counter Ghoul. I'm one of their investigators, and this building is one of their research labs. Right now, you are being held in their custody." Arima spoke calmly, and didn't seem annoyed by the other's ignorance.

The young ghoul nodded understanding. "I see."

"Quite a few ghouls who are captured alive end up in Cochlea for interrogation and to serve as informants. Unfortunately, this isn't really an option if you don't have any memory. You haven't made in progress with that, have you?"

He shook his head. "No sir. I wish –" he bit his lip. "I really want to remember, and can't shake this feeling that I should know more, but my head just comes up blank."

Arima nodded. "In that case, you only have two options. One is that you remain here as a research subject. Your Kakuhou and Kagune are very unique, and there are some people who are interested in mass producing quinques made from them. You would be kept alive and fed, but you would still be locked up and would have to go through constant surgeries to harvest your Kakuhou."

The ghoul looked down at his lap. He could remember waking up in the middle of surgery. The pain, the helplessness – he'd prefer not to endure that again. "What's the other option?"

Arima adjusted his glasses. "Someone put forth an idea concerning your situation, something that has never been attempted before. I can't promise that this will actually get the approval it needs, but I want to get your opinion before pushing this issue."

The ghoul was a little wary. "What would I have to do?"

"You would become a Ghoul investigator. You would be treated as a human and would receive both food and a salary corresponding to your rank. You would be required to work for us, but other than fulfilling your duties you would have the same freedom as any other Ghoul investigator."

The ghoul studied Arima's face. It seemed too good to be true. He didn't have any idea what he would have to do as a Ghoul investigator, but it couldn't be worse than the surgeries. The answer was obvious. "Arima-san. I don't think I'd mind being a ghoul investigator."

Arima nodded. "In that case, I'll see what I can do." He got up and started to leave, but the young ghoul spoke up.

"Arima-san, can I ask you something?"

The investigator paused. "Ask away, though I can't guarantee that I'll be able to answer."

"I know that I should have a name. Do you have any idea what it should be?"

Arima looked in the ghoul's eyes with some undefined emotion. "If this idea goes through, I'll give you a new name myself."

* * *

It was another week before Arima came back. When he did, it was with a pile of clothes. "Welcome to the CCG, Rank 3 Sasaki Haise"

The ghoul tilted his head. "Sasaki Haise?"

"That's your new name. I told you I would give you one." Arima waited for the ghoul to respond. "Do you not like it?"

"Sasaki Haise..." The ghoul tested the name again, familiarizing himself with how it rolled off his tongue. Some parts felt natural, like the ki syllable at the end, but it still felt foreign. "It isn't my real name."

Arima sighed. "Haise, in order for this to work you have to give up on your past. You memories aren't coming back anytime soon, so whatever life you held with them is gone now. You need to focus on the future, the one that you agreed to spend working for the CCG. That is, unless you want to remain a research subject."

"Sasaki Haise..." This would have to be his name from now on. There was no way he was staying in the research facility. "It sounds good. How do you spell it?"

"I'll show you later," Arima promised. "Normally Investigators would start their training with 2 years at the Academy, but because you're a special case you're going to have a different experience. I'll be in charge of both your initial training and transition into human society."

Sasaki nodded. "That makes sense. Wait, what do you mean by transition into human society?"

"You'll see." Arima set the clothes down at the foot of the bed and pulled out a key. He unlocked Haise's handcuffs. "First lesson, a Ghoul Investigator should always look professional. You need to change out of the hospital garb. I'm going to talk to the director, use this time to put on that suit." Then he left before Haise could try to protest.

Grudgingly, Haise swung his legs over the side of the bed and slowly put his weight on them. He had eventually tested his legs while waiting for Arima to get approval, but he'd never stood up for more than a few minutes. He'd hardly ever made more than a few steps, primarily because the handcuffs wouldn't let him. However, Arima had told him to do this, and after a few limps he made it to the clothes.

It was a simple matter to remove the light garment he was currently wearing, although he might have accidentally ripped it. Putting on the new clothes, though, was difficult. He tried to stick his head through a sleeve, his socks got tangled up, and he forgot to put on underwear the first time he pulled up his pants. Still, he was eventually able to figure out where everything goes. Some simple movements, such as tying his shoes and buttoning his shirt, felt familiar and came naturally. It was strange; he knew that he must have done this a thousand times before but he couldn't actually remember doing it.

By the time Arima came back, Sasaki had put on everything but the coat and tie, the latter of which he was currently trying to figure out how to tie. He was glad that Arima had taken so long, since he didn't want to think about what it would have been like if Arima had witnessed him redoing his buttons 3 times, or even when he put his underwear on backwards.

Arima observed the newly dressed ghoul. "It doesn't fit well as it should, but it'll do for now." He was right. The shirt was a little tight around Haise's shoulders and the pant legs bunched up around his ankles. "I guess you're not going to be able to wear all of my old clothes."

Sasaki stopped his attempt to fix his tie. "Arima-san, are these your clothes?"

"From when I first became an investigator, yes." Arima took the tie out of Sasaki's hands and began to fix the damage. Haise must have been making a face, because the investigator reassured him. "Lots of people have problems learning to tie a necktie. You'll learn."

Sasaki avoided his mentor's eye.

Arima finished fixing Sasaki's clothes and handed him the coat. "Are you ready to go?"

 _I have a name. Sasaki Haise. My name is Sasaki Haise._

The young ghoul now known as Sasaki Haise nodded and followed the Special Class Investigator.

* * *

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